Keep Prying...

Hauling around 100 pound tires all six hours a day is starting to take its toll. Trying hard not to seem conceited, but my arms and chest have gotten bigger. I'm "Hulking out," like crazy. I know I can hardly lift one hundred pound tires, but I try as hard as I can. Talk about a workout.

I'm starting to get used to it, though. I can change a tractor tire by myself, and oil changes are fun as hell. It's like the cars and trucks you drive now, but on a much larger scale. Two oil filters, two fuel filters, lube fittings out the ass... It's just like when I worked at Valvoline, only I get to do much more. We don't rotate tires, oh no, we have our own supply of new and used tires. We break down the tire (take it of the rim) and throw new rubber on.

GONZO only as only grossed in at $960,000. That's depressing. That's like, twenty-five percent of the United States (if that.) I want to see it so bad, but there aren't any theaters around here that play documentaries. I've been looking all over the internets for it, with no success. I have, "Breakfast With Hunter S. Thompson," and that's a great documentary. I love it. The film was recorded in 2004, and it talks about Hunter's traffic violation on the 90's. I really want to see GONZO, because it shows the memorial service at the Owl Ranch where Hunters ashes were launched into the air and Bob Dylan's, "Tamborine Man" was played. I was choked up while watching the trailer.

Now that I've mentioned Bob Dylan, I can't stop listening to him.

I love music with a folk story. Bob Dylan, Tom Petty... Amazing.
The 90's were full of it. Gin Blossoms, The Wallflowers, and Marcy Playground. Those are classics. Counting Crows, and The Cranberries; Fastballs; I love it. That's my generation. I can't get enough of that kind of music. The videos are corny as fuck, but the music as amazing. I guess that's one of my vices. Loving music that nobody listens to anymore. Or, music that nobody was alive to listen to. Music they weren't exposed to.
Do you know who The Verve is? If not, Google them. I'm pretty sure you'd know then. One hit wonder, my ass. Listen to more of their music.

I'm doing better than you.

$10 an hour plus comission and benefits out the ass? Can't beat that.
My own apartment.
Finally I have a car.
A job I love going to.

I've earned it all by myself. Everyone who's doubted me, abandoned me, insulted me, can suck my cock. All seven inches of it. The company I work for will be sending me to Ohio for school at their expense within the next two months, and then I'll be making even more. I won't have to pay for a damn thing.

All in all, life's good.

Have you ever wanted to commit first degree murder?

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. My interview is at ten in the morning. I can't sleep, though.

*DELETED ENTRY*

...Yeah. That's how it goes.

EDIT:

Okay, you know what? I am an asshole. But it pays to be an asshole. It keeps you from:
1. Getting hurt.
2. Getting too close.
3. Lingering on the past.
4. Thinking about the future.
5. Worrying about others' feelings.

Why should I care about what people think about me? Why should I care if I hurt someone's feelings, when mine get walked the fuck on. It's my goddamn world, and it's populated by fucking morons. Simple as that. I'm going to make you feel like shit every chance I get, and then I'll laugh about it on the drive home. I'm going to smoke cigarettes outside your favorite restaurants, go to your party and drink all the booze, kick your dog, set your cat on fire, run into your car and drive away, piss all over the toilet seat, aim my gas towards you, stick M-80s in your mailbox, spit on passing cars... Why? Because I fucking can.

I'm the best looking mother-fucker alive, and I've let other people make me feel like shit for too long.

Your relationship won't last.
Your dreams will never come true.
AIDs and Cancer will never be cured.
Your job will always suck.
You'll never have, "enough" money.

It's like someone got the, "Replay" button stuck on the DVD-player of your miserable excuse for a life. "Wah-wah, I'm fat/ugly/tired/depressed/pissed off at the fucking world!"

I stick my middle figure up at you, America. Go to hell.

Is that it's really relaxing.

No partying.
No drama.
There is really nothing out here, and that's how I like it. If this job working on semi trucks falls through, which I doubt it will, New York State Department of Corrections is starting up testing for new C.O.'s soon. The last thing I ever have pictured myself doing was working in a prison. In a way, it's kind of intriguing. I'd be in the same people who were found guilty of murder. People who were deemed unfit to live in normal society.

My curiosity is getting the better of me. As usual.

Not much to do here except play The Sims 2. For now, anyway. I don't have a vehicle as of yet, but I will within the next month. Probably for my birthday. My mom mentioned something. I'm 25 mles outside of Rochester, so once I start making money again, most of my time will probably be spent in the city. Probably checking out the local scene here. Music from my area is better, anyways. We get bands from Canada too. And those Canadians are creative mother-fuckers.

People who lived here/from here:
Mark Twain
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Anna Katharine Green
Rick James
Brian McKnight
Goo Goo Dolls
Every Time I Die
It Dies Today
Cannibal Corpse
Patrick Wilson (Weezer's drummer)
Natalie Merchant
Ani DiFranco
Lucille Ball
The Weinstein Brothers
Chad Michael Murray
William Kemmler
O.J. Simpson
Timothy McVeigh
And the Lucchese Crime Family was out here. Nothing but Artists, Actors, and Murderers hail from Western, NY. Just useless but interesting information. Like I stated earlier, there isn't much for me to do.

EDIT: Applebee's just called me and I have an interview for a bartender position on Tuesday. I think I have ADD. I want to work on cars, bar tending would be cool, and a prison guard would be cool. I want to do all at once. I could be a Corrections Officer who mixes drinks while working under the hood of a car. That'd be sweet.

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809963971/info

A sign of hope.

Here I be.


Here I stay.

Why am I so stubborn?

I'm thinking about getting both my ears punched to 6-guages... I won't be paying for it, but I would like to know what everyone thinks about it. It will happen this weekend if nobody says anything, regardless.

"No, you don't love boats. You love the idea of a boat. But the reality is, they're just a drain on your time, your wallet, and your emotions."

That movie goes down as one of my favorites. Sara Jessica Parker is hot as hell, too.

Lip pierced. It didn't hurt like I thought it would, and it feels cool as hell. I'm glad I went through with it.

Okay, so I took my urinalysis today, and it came back negative for THC (and every other drug), but it was "Negative + Inconclusive." I drink ungodly amounts of water, and I'm hoping that is what threw it off. Now I have to wait two to three days for the lab to send in my results. Instead of starting on Monday like I had hoped, I'm going to have to wait until Wednesday.

I'm so nervous. I don't know what else it could be, but the water.

I'm getting ready for my interview. I'm pretty nervous about this one, seeing as how I obviously bombed my interview at Lowes last week.

I need to think about the right things to say. To make it seem like I don't just want the job for the paycheck, which is the only reason someone would really want a job.

I met this girl who works at Plato's Closet in Hickory Hollow. She's really pretty. Brown hair, nice body... I'm too nervous to ask her out, though. I don't know how I would go about doing it. I went up there to sell some clothes that I never wear anymore, and we started making idle chitchat. She made a comment about my small feet. Eady and the other girl behind the counter got a kick out of that. She realized what she said, and the way she said it, and her face turned beat red. She kept handing me the wrong receipt to sign. I thought she was trying to keep me there, or something. I told her to have a nice day, and that was it. Charisma appears to be one of my weak points, but I could tell there was a bit of a connection there. When we left, Nathan even told me that she was flirting with me hardcore. I just don't have enough money for a girlfriend. Maybe, when I get my new phone, I'll go up there again and ask her out.

EDIT: My interview at the YMCA was probably the weirdest one I have ever had. I sat in a room with about four other people, and had to wait to be called in for a one on one interview. When my turn came up, this really pretty lady asked me about myself, and then why I was interested in the job. The whole thing took about three minutes. After the one on one meetings, I had to sit in a room with the other four people to have a group interview. I guess it was to see if we could all get along together. The lady handed us four bean bags, and four hula-hoops. We had four minutes to think p a game with the bean bags, and three minutes to come up with a game with hula-hoops. It was different, but I think I may get this job. It will only be for the summer, but you can go ahead and start calling me, "Camp Counselor Josh."

Oh, and I hate stupid, self-centered, cunts. Can I get a, "Hell yeah?" I hope I never meet one.

Work was actually really cool. I met some interesting people, got a free lunch, and pretty much just hung out.

The work is easy, and even though the pay isn't that great, the things that I do there keep me busy and entertained.

I'm about to set up an interview at the YMCA. I'm going to see if I can work nights there when I get off at Dollar General.

I start work tomorrow at eight in the morning. I still have no idea what I'll be doing there, but I believe something good will come from it.

Last night, I saw what drugs can do to someone. I got a first hand experience of a crack addict's day. Eady and I had just left his house, when he got a call from his, "Uncle Rob." Rob said he had to go pick up cocaine for $50. Eady said he'd go pick him up and take him where he needed to go, so we headed out to Rob's house. When Rob got into the car, he automatically told Nathan that he needed to borrow twenty bucks, so he could buy what he wanted. He lied about having enough to pay for the coke, and for gas. But, because Eady loves him so much, he let him borrow the money if he could hit some. Rob said yes, and that was the end of it. I myself had been down that road, and was just along for the ride. Well, we went to meet the dealer at the lake, and it turns out, Rob had no intention of buying coke. He came back with a bag of crack and a crushed soda can to smoke it out of. Needless to say, Eady was pissed, but Rob still said he was going to pay him back. We went to Food Lion and, at the time, I had no idea what Rob was planning to do. We parked, and Eady told me a little about Rob. He used to work at Nissan, making almost $150,000 a year. In High School, Eady's dad looked up to him. Rob was a smooth talker, could get any girl he wanted, and had good things headed for him. Then he started smoking crack and lost everything. His high-paying job, his wife and kids... He became a wreck. Last night, I saw how bad it was. Rob came out of Food Lion with 5 packs of steak under his jacket. The dumb ass was planning on selling them for, what he said, $100 so he could pay Eady back. Well, Nathan's tank was below empty, and was pretty much running on fumes. Rob comes out of the lady who wanted the steak's house with twenty dollars. Let's just say, Nathan was pissed. He damn near got out of the car, and beat the ever-loving shit out of Rob. But, he was reassured that the money would go towards gas in Eady's tank. And it did. A whole three dollars of it. The rest was to score more crack. Because Eady was on the verge of killing the dude, Rob managed to get one of his dealers talked into buying Nathan's TV. We got to where the dealer lived, and there was a cop car parked outside the house. Apparently, they knocked on the guy's door, and he didn't want to buy anything after that and told us to get the hell out of there. Eady flipped out on the guy, but because he's such a nice guy, he gave Rob another chance to try and sell it. We ended up selling the TV at the BP in Smyrna for $100 and $20 in gas, instead of the origional price of $200. Ofcourse, after that, we had to go to Hermatige to score some of that, "Good Shit." On the way there, Eady was getting on Rob hard. Telling him that he needed to stop this, and reminded him of what it has done to him. Rob had been stealing beers from every gas station and was pretty drunk. Naturally, he agreed with Eady, and said it was his last time. We pulled into the Lakewood area, in the hood, and Rob told us where to park. There was a black guy standing on the corner, and Rob went up and talked to him. All of the sudden, the pusher ran over to where we were parked and started looking into the car. The doors and windows were locked, and Eady left the car in reverse and his foot on the brake, just in case. We thought we were going to get shot. Literally. It looked like the guy had a gun, but it ended up being a walkie-talkie. The guy turned out to be pretty cool, but for a minute there, I thought I was going to die. I thought the guy was going to shoot us right there, on the spot. Rob got his score, and then we headed back into town. It wasn't enough for the guy. He wanted to try and get some more. He told us that if he got twenty more dollars, he could get a whole gram in Antioch. We drove to the Walmart, and the guy asked to borrow some change to use the pay-phone. At that point, we were fed up with this guy. Eady and I were actually planning on ditching him in Antioch, but we figured karma would catch up and fuck us over. Rob told us we had to drive down the road to meet up with this guy he called, "Pee-Wee." Well, we did it, and waited, and waited, and the guy never showed up. He got sick of fronting the Base-Head crack. After about thirty minutes, we told him it was time to go home and go to bed. I got back to Michael and Rian's at about three in the morning. Talk about the worst night I have ever had.

Being in that situation changed my whole outlook on things. It made me realize what effect drugs have on people. I have already expressed this to Eady and Rian. I have a whole new outlook on life. No matter how hard life can be, drugs will make it worse. You will lose everything you have over them, and if you don't seek help, it will only get worse. To the point where you lose the will to live. To the point where nothing matters except where your next fix comes from. It's depressing. Hanging out with that guy did nothing but send me into a mild depression. That is what helped me come to this decision.

Nathan Eady just added me on MySpace. Now, most of you have no idea who Eady is. Let me tell you: He's the guy I met at basic training who just so happened to be from the same town as me. He was pretty much my only real friend there. His grandparents are actually the ones who drove me home from South Carolina.

We're going to get drunk and catch up on old times tomorrow night.

I'm an employee of Dollar General. I don't even know what I applied for, or even how much I'll be making. At least it's a job.

The lady I talked to on the phone from Lowes the other day failed to mention that when she told me I'd be working four to eight, she didn't mean in the afternoon. Four in the morning?! Come on.

Looks like I may end up working 12+ hours a day. Dollar General called me earlier. I'm going to finish paperwork and I'll be starting on Monday.

I could do the 4 - 8 thing at Lowes, and then start later in the day at DG.

That's fine, though. I don't have much of a social life right now, and I don't even have a job. Being too busy to hang out with people won't make a difference.

I have a job interview tomorrow at ten o'clock in the morning for Lowes. She said it would probably be for a Receiving job, or something in the garden area. I may be driving a forklift four hours a day, five days a week. I don't know yet how much I'll make an hour, but at least I have something, now.

I feel so unbelievably evil tonight! I feel as though some mischief could be caused! Like I could burn a barn down, and set a cat on fire.

Mood swing. Big time.

I feel like ass. I got overly excited, when there is no real guarantee that I will be getting this job. I have to stop doing that. Yesterday was too satisfying. I started feeling normal again. Started thinking that maybe everything will change and that stuff will start to happen for me. That's just not realistic, and now I'm depressed about it. I need to throw ideas and imagination out the window. It's not like I ever had anyone to share ideas with.

I'm such a bad person. A fuck-up. I've taken everything for granted and now I have nothing. I need to find a place that I can disappear to.

It's sad when you haven't talked to your mom in over a month, and the only thing I could think to say was, "I'm still alive." I can't even decide if I miss her. I can't decide if I even miss New York, or anyone in that state.

I need something to make this shit stop. I'm tired of it. My headaches, my eyes start to water, and the worst thoughts just randomly flash through my head. Thoughts of wanting to break something (physically and emotionally)... wanting to hurt myself. I can find ways of making it look unintentional. I have before.

I'm having second thoughts about posting this, but it goes against my system. I never go back and change what I've said, and I apologize for nothing.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/